Food Failure

Cooking is all about personal taste and experimentation. Keep trying, and fine tuning, and picking up tricks, and the food you cook will get better. You'll also save money by being happy to cobble together dinners out of seemingly nothing.

However.

Along the way, it's certain that you'll make one or two dishes that will threaten to put you off food for life. Here are some things I put together that would be perhaps best avoided.

Fried Cheese (made when I was 14)
I like cheese. I like fried things. It doesn't take a genius to stick a slice of cheddar ona hot pan, wait for it to turn into black oozing death, and then spoon it up.

Pasta Gaseous
To make Carbonara, mix pasta with raw egg, tiny bit of milk and parmesan.
Put in too much milk to early, and you'll cool down the pasta, and you won't cook the egg, and you'll end up with pasta and raw egg. I farted. A lot.

Underpants Stirfry
To give your stirfry the taste of sweaty underpants, drench in Nam Pla (Fish Sauce) and add some dry sherry. And some vinegar. You can sell this from Japanese vending machines, I hear.

Veal Shank Schnitzel
I used to work in a fairly dodgy restaurant - my Boss was big on cost cutting. He brought in some veal shanks for an attempt at fancy meals. Of course no one was eating veal shanks, so it sat in the walk-in for far longer then was strictly safe. Then, together (and I will take blame here) we stripped off the fatty meat, breaded it, pan fried it, tried some, and nearly vomited. (he still flogged one or two)

Egg and Cheese cake.
I was young. My mam asked me to make lunch for my brothers. I had visions of delicious cheesy omelettes - but thought I'd invent a new way. I took a pyrex pie dish. Filled it with grated cheddar cheese, pushed four holes in it, and broke eggs into the holes. Then I put it in the oven until i had a hard, greasy bright orange disk. yummy.

Duck for six.
The first time i cooked a whole duck, I took it out of the freezer - it looked the same size as a chicken I'd use to feed six people. Into the oven, and it evaporated into a giant puddle of fat. There was no hilarious taste experience, just a learning experience.

BBQ Sauce - the obsession that won't die

I recently looked in the press and found 6 different bottles of BBQ sauce. I have less milk in the house. This points to the notion that I'm looking for something that might not be barbecue sauce, but anyway, here are the Various Sauces, and some notes.

Chef BBQ sauce:
Tastes of sugar, vinegar and mcDonalds. (speaking of, check this out! Recipes for all McDonalds meals!) We've had this bottle for years - i'm not sure I ever bought it, i'm pretty sure Aoif didn't. Also, the Chef on the Chef logo looks not look like a man you'd trust with your food preparation. (how big is his chin?!? And what is that? A beard or a leech? And would a leech fall off into your sauce? ...i'm a bit nauseous now.



Cattlemen's Award Winning, Classic Barbecue Sauce (World Champion)
A modestly-named solid all rounder, this sauce is what you should be thinking of when you think of barbecue sauce. Spicy and smokey, a great marinade for chicken breasts. And with a name like that, it could also double up as a gay nightclub.

Ainsley Harriott's BBQ TIME Sticky Ribz sweet and sticky rib sauce
A sticky sugar based sauce. Burns easily, although the charred goop left behind is quite nice. Aisnley's goonish grin looks out from the misspelt label here, so y'know, if you're barbecuing in a state of punching rage, be careful not to look at the bottle too long. Reading the ingredients reveals that there are three types of sugar and honey in the sauce.

Baron's Bar-B-Q Sauce.
Neatly subverting the BBQ/Barbecue axis, the Baron seems to have made a sauce entirely from untreated timber. yes, it tastes woody, and smokey, in the same way that licking the ground in a timber yard tastes woody and smokey.

Paul Newman's Chipotle sauce.
This sauce comes closest to what i'm after, spicy, sticky without burning too easily, no picture of Ainsley Harriott. The only problem? I haven't got enough left for a dinner, and i can't find any anywhere. If you see some, give me a call. (I used up the last lot in a drunken haze, making us some burgers.)

Also, in direct contrast to Chef or Ainsley Goonhead, Paul Newman looks more reassuring than a James Taylor Song. It's all going to be ok, Paul's going to help with the sauce.



Reggae Reggae sauce.
This sauce has a good kick, marinades chicken very well, but has the unfortunate side effect of tormenting poor Aoife, because i'm pathologically unable to use this sauce without singing Reggae Nights, by Jimmy Cliff. (my nomination for catchiest song of all time)

Enjoy here (Youtube):