Food Failure

Cooking is all about personal taste and experimentation. Keep trying, and fine tuning, and picking up tricks, and the food you cook will get better. You'll also save money by being happy to cobble together dinners out of seemingly nothing.

However.

Along the way, it's certain that you'll make one or two dishes that will threaten to put you off food for life. Here are some things I put together that would be perhaps best avoided.

Fried Cheese (made when I was 14)
I like cheese. I like fried things. It doesn't take a genius to stick a slice of cheddar ona hot pan, wait for it to turn into black oozing death, and then spoon it up.

Pasta Gaseous
To make Carbonara, mix pasta with raw egg, tiny bit of milk and parmesan.
Put in too much milk to early, and you'll cool down the pasta, and you won't cook the egg, and you'll end up with pasta and raw egg. I farted. A lot.

Underpants Stirfry
To give your stirfry the taste of sweaty underpants, drench in Nam Pla (Fish Sauce) and add some dry sherry. And some vinegar. You can sell this from Japanese vending machines, I hear.

Veal Shank Schnitzel
I used to work in a fairly dodgy restaurant - my Boss was big on cost cutting. He brought in some veal shanks for an attempt at fancy meals. Of course no one was eating veal shanks, so it sat in the walk-in for far longer then was strictly safe. Then, together (and I will take blame here) we stripped off the fatty meat, breaded it, pan fried it, tried some, and nearly vomited. (he still flogged one or two)

Egg and Cheese cake.
I was young. My mam asked me to make lunch for my brothers. I had visions of delicious cheesy omelettes - but thought I'd invent a new way. I took a pyrex pie dish. Filled it with grated cheddar cheese, pushed four holes in it, and broke eggs into the holes. Then I put it in the oven until i had a hard, greasy bright orange disk. yummy.

Duck for six.
The first time i cooked a whole duck, I took it out of the freezer - it looked the same size as a chicken I'd use to feed six people. Into the oven, and it evaporated into a giant puddle of fat. There was no hilarious taste experience, just a learning experience.